Mentoring Notes with Peleg Top

on LOVE

Tue, 21 Jan 2020 09:01:00 MST

On LOVE:

“The most important aspect of love is not in giving or the receiving: it’s in the being. When I need love from others or need to give love to others, I’m caught in an unstable situation. Being in love, rather than giving or taking love, is the only thing that provides stability. Being in love means seeing the Beloved all around me.”

(courtesy of Ram Dass).

Just like you.

Mon, 13 Jan 2020 12:08:00 MST

Just like you.

When I began my journey as a business coach ten years ago, I was excited about the idea of giving advice and direction to fellow creatives who were seeking success and prosperity. Being that I’ve had a gift for marketing and communication, it was a natural next step for me to take after selling my design firm.

What I quickly discovered was that most of the business challenges that people were having were personal problems in disguise. It wasn’t that people didn’t know what to do. There was plenty of information out there on how to grow a business and how to market. What was present with everyone I was coaching was fear. The voice of fear was leading their lives and the choices they were making were not aligned with their authentic selves. People pleasing was rampant and there was very little self-love present.

Self-love? What does that have to do with running a business, you may ask?

Well, everything.

Everything stems and gets created from the way we love ourselves.

When we love ourselves, we make choices that are healthy for our growth. We don’t compromise our talent, we aren’t afraid to ask for what we want and we experience a level of self-confidence that allows us to be truly creative. That also influences the people we attract. The clients that hire us. The employees that want to support us.

Teaching people how to better love themselves has become a core theme in my coaching work. This is the hardest work for people to do. Doing self-love work means that we are required to face our dragons and heal our wounds. That’s a scary space for most people. But it’s work that changes everything. Everything.

Last weekend, for three days at Joshua Tree I became a student again. I attended the Human Awareness Institute’s workshop on self-love and learned from highly skilled masters about how to bring more love and intimacy into my life. Leading edge work, unconventional exercises and powerful insights helped me get healthier and more aligned with my higher self. This was hard work at times. Scary. Surprising. Challenging. But so worth it. Here I was with forty fellow men and women, naked the entire time, facing our inner dragons and liberating from old ways of judging and seeing ourselves.

One evening, while soaking in the outdoor hot tub of the retreat centre, I looked up at a Joshua Tree nearby, as he stood tall against the landscape of electric wires, these words came forward:

I asked the tree
“who are you?”
and the tree said
“I am one of
God’s creations.
Just like you.”

I asked the tree
“What are you?”
and the tree said
“I am what I am.
Just like you.”

I asked the tree
“what do you do?”
and the tree said
“I exist, I love,
and that is enough.
Just like you”.

Taking a personal retreat

Mon, 11 Jun 2018 15:12:00 MDT

Coaching advice:
Taking a personal retreat

Dear Peleg,

My wife and I own and operate a design firm together. After years of having the business lead the way we are struggling with defining what we want out of life, and in turn, our business. I’m planning to schedule an out-of-town retreat for us to relax and make space to define what we want or at least let our mind go to those places. I was wondering if you can give us any tips to make the retreat most effective and if you have any exercises, worksheets or any tools we could use in this process?

Charles
(Denver, Colorado)

Dear Charles,

Taking regular personal retreats is one of the best habits you can develop to ensure the health and well being of your business. A personal retreat allows you to gain perspective, prevents stagnation and get clarity on what you want out of life.

When running a business, it’s easy to get sucked into the day to day tasks and become distant from the big picture of why you are actually in business or what goals you want to meet. Stepping away from the every day helps us gain the insight and perspective we need to make necessary changes, improve things or make the big decisions we need to make but never take the time to focus on them.

Here are a few tips on how to make the most from taking a personal retreat:

1. Create the right environment. Where you hold your retreat is a crucial part of setting the stage. Your environment will always influence and create your experience so choose a location that allows your heart to expand and your mind to quiet down. I personally like to splurge when I take retreats and choose locations that inspire me, speak to my design senses and lift my spirit in a creative way. There are amazing resorts and retreat centers around the country that could be a perfect fit. Choose a location that is out of town, somewhere that you will really feel like you are away from it all. Look for total comfort so that all your basic needs are being taken care of. This includes super comfortable sleeping accommodations and healthy food to nourish your body.

2. Avoid alcohol. It may sound like fun to bring a few bottles of wine or the makings of your favorite cocktails but including alcohol inside of your retreat experience can potentially get in the way of the clarity that you want to receive. Let’s face it, the short-term effects of alcohol can bring on drowsiness, headaches, impaired judgment and decreased perception. Avoid anything that could get in the way of having a clear mind.

3. Truly Unplug. Seriously. Be unreachable for the time you are away. Make any necessary arrangements to protect this time from distractions. Go offline and go inwards. Having ongoing input from outside sources can disturb your process and interrupt your flow. This is not easy for most people to do and will require some self-discipline on your part but trust me, it will be worth the effort.

4. Give it time. Don’t try to rush the process. Schedule at least three nights so you are able to gently enter your process and not rush towards an outcome. If you can take a week away, even better. Allow for time to slow down enough so that you can begin to hear your inner voice loud and clear.

5. Set an agenda. You want your time to be most productive, efficient and well planned. I always like to create a loose schedule on how I will spend my time. I allow time for meditation, walks in nature, meals, work sessions and of course, rest. Figure out what can help you to make the most out of the experience and build it into your day.

5. Allow time for nothing. In your retreat schedule, allow blocks of unplanned time so that if the muse appears you are able to answer. Perhaps you will feel like making some art or reading. Or perhaps a nap would serve you well.

6. Self-care. Improving your physical state can be a direct outcome of a personal retreat. Take time to maximize the health benefits your location can offer you. Book a massage treatment or go for a swim. Include some kind of bodywork that can help you get out of your head for a while.

7. Set your intentions. Consider what the purpose is for your retreat. What are you hoping to receive from this time? Is there a burning question that you want answered? The clearer you are, the more you will be receptive to change — the results you are looking to get. It is like preparing the soil. By setting up clear intentions you eliminate wondering and confusion while in it.

8. Follow a process. Depending on the outcome you want from your retreat, following a guided process can support you in the most effective way. One of my favorite tools for exploring your future is The Personal Compass from Grove Consultants. I also like to come up with a set of questions I want to be answered in advance of the retreat. Thinking of these questions sets up my mental state to be open to receiving the answers.

The biggest changes I’ve done in my life and my business came out of decisions I made when taking personal retreats. Taking time away for a personal retreat is a discipline that not many professionals take seriously enough. However, it is during those breaks in our routine that we discover what really matters.

If you have a burning question you would like some coaching advice on, send in your
question via email to advice@pelegtop.com

Is happiness a myth?

Mon, 30 Apr 2018 16:08:00 MDT

Is happiness a myth?

“Let me tell you something, happiness is bullshit. It’s the great myth of the late twentieth century. Do you think Picasso was happy? You think Hemingway was? Hendrix? They were miserable shits. No art worth a damn was created out of happiness, I can tell you that much.

Ambition, narcissism, sex, rage, those are the engines that drive every great artist, every great man. A hole that can’t be filled.”

- Ed Harris, from the movie Kodachrome (streaming on Netflix)

I’ve been in an ongoing conversation about happiness lately. It seems that everyone has a different definition of what happiness is or isn’t.

The other night I was watching the movie Kodachrome, now streaming on Netflix. One of the main characters in the movie, played by the brilliant Ed Harris, is Ben, a cancer-ridden, dying photographer who claims that happiness is bullshit.

He states that no art worth a damn has ever been created out of happiness. He suggests that great artists are driven by pain, addiction and a “hole that can’t be filled”.

Is it necessary to be miserable in order to tap into our creative genius and make great art?

Must we be melancholy to be better artists?

I don’t believe so.

Great art has indeed come out of deep pain and suffering and for many artists, that dark space can become a path to one’s tragic demise. Think Vincent Van Gogh, Mark Rothko or Ernest Hemingway to name a few.

So many of the great artist we know were lonely, compulsive and self-loathing. They were trapped in fear mode and came to believe that their creative output was dependent on their misery. They may have found solace in their art, a temporary escape from their dragons, but they kept choosing to stay unhappy.

Imagine if these artists healed their wounds and lived their lives from a place of self-love and self-worth?

Imagine if they chose to be happy?

Happiness is a choice and if you choose to be unhappy, you will be unhappy no matter what it is you do. Many artists prefer to stay unhappy of fear that their desire to create will disappear with happiness. So they stay stuck inside their self-loathing, fear-based world, and take no steps towards healing their wounds. They prefer to numb the pain with alcohol, drugs or sex believing that their pain is the source of their creativity.

Healing our wounds can be a scary space to enter. But unless we face our dragons, we may never meet our angels.

If I met Van Gogh today, I would more than anything love to wake him up to his true creative genius, beyond the canvas. I would love to teach him how to love himself so that his life becomes the canvas of his creations. So he would feel self-worth and confidence to pull himself out of poverty and live a prosperous life.

We can be happy and be great artists. Don’t believe the myth.

Here's the full trailer to Kodachrome. Highly recommended movie to watch.

Why trying leads nowhere

Tue, 03 Apr 2018 10:16:00 MDT

Why trying leads nowhere.

Last week I met with a new prospect who was interested in hiring me as his coach.

“I’m trying to grow my business,” he said, “and I’m not having any success. After fifteen years I’m feeling trapped, frustrated, and depressed”.

When I asked him to describe how he markets his business or how much time he invests in business development activities, he couldn’t give me a specific answer. His marketing activities were random, reactive and unfocused.

I wasn’t surprised to hear about his lack of success because he told me, in one word, where his mindset is about his business.

He told me he was “trying”.

Whenever I hear someone tell me that they are trying to do something, what they are actually telling me is that they are simply interested in the idea of success but they have yet to commit to doing what it really takes to get there.

If this person was truly committed to growing his business he would have shown up differently to it.

I asked him to open up his calendar and count the number of hours he allocates in the last month to marketing and business development activities.

You can guess what his count was.

Zero.

I’ve come to believe that there are two types of people in the world. People who try and people who commit.

People who try often complain, cling to excuses and give up on their dreams too quickly. They put off doing the things they know they need to do and allow distractions to pull them away from their goals.

People who commit bring a different mindset to their lives. Their commitment shows up as activities on their calendar.

If this prospect was really committed to growing his business, he would actively schedule marketing and business development activities on a weekly basis. He would stop trying and start doing.

When we get comfortable with trying, even for a bit, we open the possibility of failure and give ourselves an out.

“Try” is a worthless word that accomplishes nothing. It might make us feel better when we fail, but it actually encourages behavior that leads to failure.

I told this prospect that in order for me to coach him, he would have to stop trying to grow his business and commit to doing the work it takes to achieve his goals. When I spelled out to him exactly what that would need to look like, I could tell that he felt a bit intimidated hearing what a commitment to growing his business means and that he wasn’t really interested in doing the work.

The reality is, when we really want something, we simply do what it takes to make it happen. And if we hire a coach to support us, the coaching process serves us inside of our creative process. If you don’t want to do something, fine. Don’t do it. But don’t pretend that trying is the same as doing. They are two completely different mindsets.

This person reached out to me thinking that coaching is the answer to his business problems. But from my experience, coaching only works when a person is excited about what they want to create. When you bring a commitment to creating yourself, having a coach by your side will expedite the creation process and move you forward towards your goals because they show you where your blind spots are and help you see the path more clearly.

The more we talked the more it became clear that this person felt stuck in his business and was not feeling fulfilled by the work anymore. What motivated him to stay in business was the responsibility he felt towards his employees and not the joy of the work. His lack of success wasn’t because of his lack of trying but because his heart wasn’t in it anymore. He was just too afraid to admit it to himself. He was denying his heart’s desire hoping that hiring a coach would magically transform his business. In reality, no coaching can motivate anyone to do something their heart isn’t devoted to.

When our heart isn’t leading the way in anything we do, the challenges we encounter along the way can easily bring us down and make us feel defeated. We can feel unmotivated and lost. But when we’re heart-driven, when we do something because we want to (not because we feel like we have to), challenges become a source of strength. We embrace them and welcome the opportunity for growth.

This person realized that he was using “trying” as an excuse to not look at the real reason his business is suffering. For the first time, he was willing to embrace the fact that it may be time for him to exit and begin a new chapter in his life.

He began to get excited about what’s possible for him. He began to see how his commitment to exiting his business could open up new opportunities for him. He didn’t let his fears lead the way but gave himself permission to dream.

I assured him that coaching him from this space would be more valuable and effective and, as his coach, I would guide him through that process. From that place, real creation can happen. There will be no trying involved, only doing to move his life forward in the direction his heart desires.

A trying mindset leads nowhere. It is doubt-filled, skeptical and low commitment. Saying “I’ll try” is like admitting upfront that you quite likely will not be doing that thing.

If there’s an area in your life that you feel like you are trying and not succeeding, take a closer look at the real reason why this may be occurring. It could be that whatever it is you are trying to do, isn’t what your heart really wants you to.

Eternal creative struggle

Thu, 29 Mar 2018 09:40:00 MDT

Can you relate to this?...

The power of silence

Tue, 27 Mar 2018 12:26:00 MDT

One of the most powerful moments in last weekend's rally against gun violence in Washington was the six-minute silence that was part of Emma Gonzalez's speech.

Her silence was unexpected.

Her silence was loud.

Her silence was powerful.

What her silence did was send a ripple of emotion throughout our country. Time slowed down. We were able to think, reflect, feel. Her silence united us in a common cause.

Silence can indeed be louder than words. If you are one of those who has experienced being "ghosted" by someone, you know how painful silence can be. This is an ineffective use of silence that ultimately hurts people. It's the dark side of silence.

Silence can be a powerful tool when used intentionally, for good. But for most of us, silence is a source of anxiety.

In our age of addiction to our devices and other sources fighting for our constant attention, silence has become a source of discomfort for many.

Do you wonder if you have difficulty with silence? Take this simple test.

Close your eyes and sit for twenty minutes without doing a thing.

Then watch what happens.

Notice how you feel. Notice what you think. Notice what comes up for you. Are you feeling uneasy? Is it hard to escape the chatter in your mind?

For some, silence can feel like torture.

That's because silence forces us to look at the things we like to avoid.

The noise outside us can cause us problems, but the louder noise that is harder to quiet is the noise inside us. The constant thoughts that begin from the moment we wake up until we fall asleep. The constant chatter and nonsense we allow to affect our well being. We spend so much time worrying about the future that we forget to be present and enjoy our life to its fullest.

Our inner noise takes us away from noticing the beauty of what life has to offer. Amidst the bad news we get exposed to every day and the negative thoughts and worries that consume our head, it's easy for us to fall into a trap of anxiety, depression, and stress.

I often invite my clients to begin our coaching sessions with a few moments of silence so we can enter a space of reflection and tune our energy to each other like musicians in an orchestra who tune their instruments with each other to create a beautiful harmony. The silence opens up space for what really matters to rise to the surface.

Silence also opens a space for new ideas. In a recent HBR article, David Rock and Josh Davis explain that “aha moments that spark brilliant, unexpected solutions tend to crop up when our minds are quiet.” Often when I feel stuck working on a project or have a problem I need to solve, taking a silent walk in nature helps me clear my head and bring up new ideas or solutions.

Quieting our minds (aka meditation) is one of the most effective practices we can engage in for achieving a well-balanced life. As creative people, as leaders, we must realize that unless we allow silence to exist in our daily life, the price we pay can result in feeling burnt out and out of balance.

The reality of our lives is that distractions aren't going to go away anytime soon. We depend on our smartphones and other devices for our work and entertainment. It's up to us to create the self-discipline around creating silence and choose to step away from the noise in a conscious way.

Silence slows us down to be able to reflect on what really matters.

Thank you, Emma Gomez, for reminding us what we can gain by allowing silence to be a trusted friend.

Everything happens for you

Mon, 19 Mar 2018 17:01:00 MDT

Everything happens for me.

Just when you think everything is going ok, just when you feel like your life is on track, something out of the blue can turn everything upside down.

That's what happened to me a couple of months ago.

On a cold Friday afternoon, just a few days after the new year made its mark, I stopped to check my mail on my way out to dinner with friends to discover a letter from a law firm waiting for me in my mailbox. That's never a good sign. I opened the envelope as I walked towards my car to discover an eviction notice from my landlord.

"Your lease will expire in two months and we have chosen not to renew it" read the letter without any explanation or reason why.

I was shocked. And furious.

I stood there in my parking garage, reading the words on the page in disbelief, feeling a wide range of emotions overtake me. The thought of moving out seemed daunting. It had taken me months to settle into my apartment and now I have to move. Again.

The feelings of anger were mixed with a touch of victimness. How could this happen to me? I've been a model tenant and with no reason, I was being forced to leave.

My instinct was to fight this decision. I stayed up all night reading every web page relating to tenants rights, searching for local attorneys I could hire and plan my next move against this injustice.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.

The next morning, I decided to go out for a hike. Walking in nature helps me reflect. I took myself to my favorite hiking trail at the bottom of the Hollywood sign, water bottle in hand, and began to walk up the hill. It was early on a Saturday with no one else around. Just me, fresh crisp air and a gorgeous sun to light my way.

Years ago, during my Jewish spiritual direction training, I was taught to go out in nature and talk to God. According to Jewish tradition, this practice, called HITBODEDUT (in Hebrew, means "being alone with") allows us to speak our truth out loud into the universe. And when we allow ourselves to hear ourselves speak our truth, we create an opening to hear our soul's voice.

This voice may be a new thought that has never appeared before. It could be an intuitive gut feeling that will help us get an answer to a problem we are facing.

When I first practiced HITBODEDUT I felt totally awkward. Here I was walking by myself talking to no one and looking for answers to my life's biggest challenges. But to my surprise, the practice was a powerful one. I found myself receiving ideas and thoughts that surprised me. I would return from these walks feeling calm, energized and at peace.

I walked up the hiking trail, still feeling frustrated and angry, carrying the sense of the unfairness of what I was facing. I got to the top of the hill and shouted out "why is this happening to me?".

I stood there and as soon as the echo of my scream faded away I suddenly heard "Everything happens for you, not to you".

This new thought emerged out of nowhere and was louder than any other thought occupying my mind that morning.

"Everything happens for you, not to you."

Now it was the only thing I was thinking. And the more I thought this, the calmer I felt.

If things are indeed happening for me, then what am I not seeing in this situation that I need to see?

As soon as I asked myself this question I began to reflect on my life and my year in Los Angeles so far. Something I haven't taken the time to ask myself so far. The more I reflected the more I realized that actually, I haven't been happy or fulfilled living in LA since returning from my two-year travel sabbatical.

Yes, LA was a familiar place. A place where I grew up, a place where I had many friends and family, a place that allowed me to professionally thrive. But when I listened to my heart, I realized that I've outgrown the big city and that my soul was seeking a quieter space to nest in.

I stood there at the top of the hill, Hollywood sign behind me, the entire city at my feet and realized that it was time for me to move on.

It took an eviction notice to wake me up and realize I am living in the wrong place. That I've outgrown living around so much concrete, traffic, and noise and that my soul is asking for a change.

My feelings of anger and victimness immediately disappeared and turned into deep gratitude. I sensed a wide opening of possibility and creation, a feeling that energized and motivated me.

As I walked back down the trail, I felt calm, connected and empowered.

"Where do I want to live?" was the question on my mind now.

I didn't have to think about it too much. All I had to do is listen to my soul that said: "Go to the desert, to the big sky, where you belong".

And so I did.

I decided to move to Santa Fe, New Mexico where I can devote more time to my art and my writing as well as begin to take steps towards fulfilling a dream of opening my own retreat center.

From the moment I made the decision to move, everything fell into place like magic. The move was smooth, easy and with no glitches.

It's now been two weeks since I've arrived in Santa Fe. And it's absolutely gorgeous here. I rented a small house where I wake up every day to the sound of birds singing and gorgeous sunrises and sunsets.

It's quiet. And peaceful. And serene. And I'm feeling more focused than ever before. I'm creating a life that is aligned with my soul. And I'm excited to share what's next with you.

Things do always happen for me.

Indeed.

The Cycle of Love

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 09:37:00 MST

The cycle of love.

For many people, Valentine’s Day can be a pretty stressful day.

If you happen to be coupled, the social pressure of acknowledging your love for each other can easily become filled with expectations and disappointments. And if you happen to be single, Valentine’s Day can be a loud reminder of your loneliness.

Either way, it seems to me that for a day that’s supposed to be all about celebrating love, the people who get the most value out of the day are florists, chocolatiers, and greeting card makers.

Valentine’s Day shouldn’t become a day we dread. It shouldn’t be a day filled with pressure, anxiety and depression. Remember, it’s about celebrating LOVE. Love in all its forms.

Our world is in trouble. And not from all the bad things we hear on the news these days. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, about 18% of the population suffer from depression related illnesses every year. We are in trouble because so many of us feel lonely and depressed and we aren’t willing to admit it or talk openly about it.

For some people, depression is a result of a chemical imbalance, and thankfully, there are drugs available to treat that, but for the rest of us who walk through life feeling unfulfilled, disconnected or depressed, drugs aren’t the answer.

The answer is Love.

Only love can cure loneliness and depression. But the problem is that we seek to receive love from outside of ourselves and become dependent on people, places and things to experience love.

We seek more “likes”, we crave attention, we say yes when we mean no, we people please, all for the sake of feeling love.

But that’s not real love. That’s a temporary fleeting illusion of love that leaves us empty and hollow.

To bring more love into your life the first step is to examine how loving are you with yourself? What is your relationship with you like? If your life is filled with worry, anxiety, self-doubt or lack of self-confidence, chances are that you are not doing such a great job in loving yourself.

People who truly love themselves are naturally confident. And not in a cocky, narcissistic way. They possess the kind of confidence that generates a strong belief in self and that results in access to courage and creativity.

The more you love yourself, the more you will believe in yourself. And the more you love yourself, the less you will listen to your fears.

Someone once told me that fear is a terrible consultant. So why do we keep listening to fear? Why is it so hard for us to stop believing our fears and simply trust love?

That’s because trusting love requires courage and faith. Fear doesn’t. Fear, when unchecked, feeds on itself and grows like an uncontrolled virus. Fear keeps us small and stuck in our wishes and hopes. Fear, when in charge, feeds our anxieties and depressions and worst of all, it drowns out love.

I’d like to suggest that this Valentine’s Day, you begin to bring some attention to the way you love yourself. Stop waiting for love to come from other people. No one is going to love you if you don’t love yourself.

I know that loving ourselves is much easier said than done. But it’s so worth it because when we love ourselves we kickstart the cycle of love.

The cycle of love, if you're wondering, is the idea that once we love ourselves, we are then capable of being loved, and then are capable of loving others, which makes us love ourselves even more.

But something else happens that is a beautiful side effect. Things in our life begin to flow better. Our value of ourselves increases to the point of influencing the choices we make in our personal and professional lives. We begin to attract the kind of people who value who we are and what we do.

When we love ourselves, we value ourselves, and when we value ourselves, we make different choices in every area of our life. We don’t compromise who we are and are able to say no without fear.

So, how is it done? How do you bring more love into your life? You practice. Because if you want to be good at anything, you must practice. And this Valentine’s Day is a perfect excuse to start.

One of my favorite self-love practices is taking myself on artist dates. The Artist Date, according to Julia Camron’s Artist Way book, is the idea of making time for yourself, once a week, on your own, to do something 'enchanting'. To play, have fun, or do something that nourishes you.

I take myself to the theatre (you’ll always get a great seat buying one ticket!), or a movie matinee, or a museum visit, or a used bookstore where I can spend hours looking for old books I can cut up and use in my collages. Get the idea?

Your first Artist Date may have all the awkwardness of a first date. But don’t give up. Give this process a chance. Go on at least four consecutive weekly dates and notice what happens. You may find that you are starting to feel more fired up about your life, more interested in new things and feeling more inspired and creative overall.

My wish for you is that you fall madly in love with YOU so that you may experience love in everything you do.

May this Valentine’s Day be the day you kickstart a new cycle of love. And may this day be a new step towards bringing more love into your life.

"Love Yourself" art by Lim Heng

Happy Solstice

Thu, 21 Dec 2017 19:34:00 MST

Happy Solstice.

Solstice speaks that change prevails.
Dark alters Light -
Day into Night -
Inhale to Exhale.
Nothing remains.
Travail may vanish with the rising sun as
Living dances with Itself.

Solstice honors Darkness-time -
lying fallow, growing still –
Reflecting. Welcoming
shames and doubts and judgments home.
These are the things that give us Soul.

Solstice glorifies the Light.
When Night seems deepest and so long,
we wonder of the flame’s return.
It burns so dimly –
offering little warmth or peace
but, know the ember smolders strong –
waiting for the breath of Faith to set it blazing
bright enough to light our way.

Solstice celebrates the Future.
As the trees release their leaves,
the earthly manger cradling her seeds,
we surrender habits, fears
and we forgive -
creating room for New Life in the coming year.

Poem and painting by Kat Sawyer, Santa Fe, New Mexico
Author of Voices from the Mat - Yoga Poems and Meditations

The right path

Mon, 18 Dec 2017 21:53:00 MST

How do I know that I am on the right path?

“How do I know that I am on the right path?” she asked as we began our Heart-to-Heart session. “I’ve been working in my business for years now and it feels like I am stuck. I’ve made so many mistakes, and even though I sometimes feel like I am making progress, I don’t know if this is the right path for me”.

“What is the right path?” I asked.

“It’s the path that feels right” she immediately replied. She then got quiet for a moment as her gaze shifted somewhere towards the horizon, as if there is a better answer there and added: “the path that brings me high fulfillment and high income”.

Even though we were meeting on a Skype video call, I could sense her frustration with her life coming through my computer screen. A frustration that is keeping her up at night making her question everything she is doing.

“So what fulfills you in life?” I asked.

“My design work fulfills me. And even though I’ve done that for a long time it feels like I am running on a hamster wheel.”

“Well that doesn’t sound very fulfilling to me” I said.

“Yes”, she agreed, “I keep trying to grow my business and every time I try something, I keep failing miserably.”

“And what does failing miserably look like?” I asked.

“No income.” She quickly replied, “It’s exhausting.”.

High income is directly related to high fulfillment. In fact, the level of income that you are currently experiencing is in exact proportion to the fulfillment you are receiving from what it is you do in the world.

We were taught that we have to work hard to earn money. That we have to compromise our heart and settle for “enough” as long as long as we meet our basic needs. But doing that only stops us from dreaming. It stops us from listening to what our heart wants and from making the choices that fulfill it.

This woman may feel a sense of fulfillment from her current work but that fulfillment is not really full. It is partial fulfillment.

Seeking fulfillment is something we all have in common. There’s a billion dollar industry out there that caters to those who lost their path and seek truth from outside of themselves. There are never-ending choices of teachers and gurus that will gladly take your money and sell you their formula for finding fulfillment.

I know this because I spent so much of my adult life seeking fulfillment. Heck, I even took a two-year sabbatical and traveled the world for the sake of this search. I met teachers, and guides, and gurus and muses--everyone had opinion and advice. But no one had the right answer. No one had MY answer.

Only my heart did.

I realized I was asking my brain all the wrong questions. My brain could never know what my path is or what I should do or how I should do it.

Our brain is a learning supercomputer. We feed it constantly and expect it to give us the answers to every question we have. Like a computer, our brain has a logic board, called “our mind”. This logic is powerful. We make many choices from this place.

But not all choices require logic.

The choices our heart makes may never be logical. When we make logical choices we answer to what makes sense, to what fits into our brain’s way of seeing the world.

We need to stop asking our brain what fulfills us. Our brain can not possibly answer the questions that our heart is asking. Our heart is the most authentic source of intelligence we have. And yet, we hardly ever mine its full wisdom.

It wasn’t until I stopped asking my brain and began to ask my heart “What is it that really fulfills me?” And it wasn’t until I began listening and acting from the answers that my heart gave me that my life truly changed.

When I made choices that were aligned with what fulfills my heart I began taking bigger risks that lead to bigger changes.

And my life hasn’t been the same since.

Because when our heart is fulfilled, we are in total alignment with our path and our purpose.

It’s that simple.

Fulfillment is knowing what it is that fulfills you and living into it, no matter what the outcome may be.

The problem is that when money gets in the picture, what fulfills us becomes less important. Money is the outcome that we hope to get from whatever it is we do. When we give money the power to influence the choices that we make, we live in a reactive way, forgetting that we have the ability to create whatever it is we put our minds and hearts into (including money!).

What fulfills you, may not seem like something that could make you money in the future. But guess what? It wasn’t either for people like Steve Jobs or Richard Branson. They were simple dreamers, just like you, before they became the men as we know them today.

Not knowing what the outcome is, didn’t stop all the people you compare yourself to from doing what fulfills them in life. They were willing to risk safety, risk security and risk being comfortable for the sake of what their heart wanted.

Because they had to.

They had no choice because the path they choose to walk is the path of their heart. They didn’t listen to their fears, to their self-critic, to people who don’t believe in them. They trusted their heart enough to know that when they listen to what their heart wants and act from that place, they are always on the right path.

letting go of the shoulds

Wed, 06 Dec 2017 11:05:00 MST

Living a should-less life.

I love words.

Because every word is a universe onto itself.

Our words create our reality. The words we speak and the words we think.

Positive words make us grow. Negative words hold us back.

For my 50th, I decided to give up the word SHOULD and begin living a "should-less life".

I will never SHOULD again. And with that, everything that comes with this word will go away.

Everything.

The self-judgment, the self-criticism, the self-pity, the self-hatred, the depression.

I am letting go of the shoulds.

I should make more money.

I should write a book.

I should have a kid.

I should spend less money.

I should give more money away.

I should call my mom.

I should be debt free.

I should not spend my savings.

I should take a vacation.

I should spend less time on Facebook.

I should buy a house.

I should go out more often.

I should meet more people.

I should lose weight.

I should work out more.

I should look good.

I should care more.

I should care less.

You get the picture.

"Should" is a powerful word. And a toxic one. Every time I speak it, every time I think it, I hold myself back from being who I am destined to be.

I'm going to stop "shoulding" all over myself.

Because every time I use negative words like "should", I put myself in a toxic space. The vibration around the energy of the negative words effects my health and well being.

You could spend hours, days, years, practicing yoga, visualization or meditation, and that practice would be offset by a vocabulary that is organically toxic and negative.

If the words you use towards yourself are hostile, you will experience a hostile way of being. You will feel hostile and negative, especially towards yourself. You will feel like you are not enough. You will feel less than. You will feel unworthy and unloved.

Stop using toxic words and your depressions will be much less.

Stop using toxic words and your life will transform.

Choose to get up every day and bless your day. Say to yourself: "I have no idea what this day is going to bring but it is blessed, because I am alive, and I am here."

And then choose words that are powerful. Words that inspire you. Words that heal you.

This choice alone will take toxins out of your heart.

This choice alone will transform your day.

What are the toxic words that you say to yourself? Words you must never utter again?

Who do you want to become?

Thu, 30 Nov 2017 16:41:00 MST

Who do you want to become?

When I was a kid, the adults used to ask me “what do you want to be when you grow up?”.

They never asked, “what do you want to do when you grow up?”

But here we are, all grown up, and we’re so busy doing that we forgot who we wanted to become.

Who did you want to become when you grew up?

What did you dream of before the voices in your head began to tell you that you’ll never be good enough or that you are not worthy?

When did you begin to please everyone around you so you can feel loved or to know that you matter?

Are you living who you wanted to become?

Do you even remember what that was?

I meet grown-ups every day who forgot who they wanted to be. They walk around as if in a trance. Busy working in jobs they hate or own businesses that don’t give them joy or profit.

They stay in unhealthy relationships and are afraid to take real risks in life.

These people complain. They become people pleasers. They live in fear of the future.

These people are stuck.

They forgot who they wanted to be.

They compromised.

And fell asleep to life.

But sometimes, they feel stuck for a bit too long. They arrive at a moment when being stuck no longer works.

The boredom and lack of passion in whatever they are doing stops fulfilling.

And even though they have no idea of what the future may bring, they find themselves willing to take a risk. Maybe for the first time ever.

Take a risk and change something so big, that it throws their entire echo system off course.

Sometimes we need to get to that low place so we can wake up to our life and do something risky. Become who we've always wanted to become.

Become a writer or a filmmaker, or a coach, or a chef, or whatever their soul has been asking them to do and they have conveniently never listened.

Simply become.

Remeber when we used to hear "you can be anything you want to be"? When did we stop believing in that?

I believe we can. I believe we all have the tools we need to become the best versions of ourselves. The tools are there. All we need to do is use them.

I'll explain what these tools are next week.

Thanks for being.

living a soul-driven life

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 20:50:00 MST

Living a soul-driven life.

There’s an exercise I often lead with people I coach that reveals a surprising truth: most of us don’t really know what we want.

In this exercise, I ask a simple question: “what do you want?”

And then I repeat this same question over and over again.

In the first minute or so, the expected answers come out. Those generally are the things that are top of mind, the things they want most immediately, like wanting more money or new clients or other material things. In their minds, if they were to have those things, they would be happy and fulfilled.

But then, when they have finished listing all the material things they want, and all the success they desire, they become a bit emotional, sometimes tearful, and begin to go deeper.

They become silent.

They gaze at me with curiosity and unknowing.

They begin to mumble, they slow down enough to begin hearing their soul’s voice.

This is always a precious moment. A sacred opening.

It is in this moment they realize that what they really want most is a life of real purpose. A life filled with intention, fulfillment and inner peace.

I call that a soul-driven life.

It is in this moment that they begin to pay attention to what really matters most to them.

It’s easy for us creative types to lose sight of our soul’s voice. That’s because our creative free spirit gets drowned out by the monkey mind chatter that our ego consistently broadcasts. Our work becomes consumed with solving other people’s problems and along the way we become less creative and less in touch with who we really are.

Our ego is doing a great job at wanting more, wanting faster, wanting bigger. It gets so loud that when it doesn’t get what it wants, it has the ability to create a dark cloud over our lives, resulting in depression and hopelessness. This dark cloud can turn us into self-doubters or worst, fear-based people-pleasers.

Our ego is constantly wanting. And the louder our ego is, the further we get from living our soul’s purpose.

We live in a media-driven culture that sends us constant messages that we are not enough. Our ego eats these messages up like a starved animal. If only we had that luxury car or that fancy house or that big name client, our life will be better. We believe this campaign and beat ourselves down for not achieving the milestones we supposedly were meant to achieve. We compare ourselves and suffer.

What you want will always come from somewhere. It will always have an origin. What you want will either come from your ego or from your soul. The question is, which one are you listening to? Which one is driving your life?

There’s a beautiful parable I once heard about a grandfather talking with his grandson and he says "there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery, and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred, and fear."

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies, “The one you feed.”

Our ego wants to look good, to win, to be right, to succeed, to be known, to be in control. Our ego wants to receive for the sake of receiving. And the more it gets, the more it wants.

Soul is pure. Soul is the essence of our being. Our truth. It is who we truly are underneath the mask we so carefully and masterfully created in order to cope with the world. It is the part of us that lives behind our ego, the part of us that is divine.

I spent many years of my life unconsciously driven by ego. That brought me success, accolades, and wealth. But at the end of the day, much of that achievement didn’t bring me real happiness. I found myself running on a hamster wheel, feeling unfulfilled by my work, depressed and exhausted.

That’s when I stopped running and asked myself “What do I really want?” And guess what? I had no idea either.

All I knew was what I didn’t want.

I didn’t want to feel like I’m swimming upstream. I didn’t want to keep running on the hamster wheel for the rest of my life.

When I stopped to ask myself this simple question, that's when my soul journey began.

We tend to focus so much on what our ego wants and forget to focus on what it is we need that truly matters. We fool ourselves thinking that what our ego wants is what we need and yet when we achieve those things we think we want, we often realize that we are still empty inside.

Our soul, in its purest divine form, wants to create, to influence and serve others. And when we live in a soul-driven way, we get to do just that and get more than what we want. We get what we truly need. Meaning, fulfillment, and inner peace.

what if?

Mon, 11 Sep 2017 11:22:00 MDT

What stands in the way of change.

Have you ever faced a time in your life where you wanted to make a big change and yet, you were too terrified of making it happen?

Maybe you wanted to end a relationship or start a new business, or perhaps change careers?

Whatever change you desire, there is one thing that will always slow you down and keep you stuck from making it happen.

The fear of the unknown.

Did you know that this fear actually has a name? Xenophobia. Derived from the Greek word 'Xenos' meaning “foreigner or stranger” and Phobos which means 'morbid fear’. This fear is totally irrational and yet, so many of us have it to some degree.

So, why do we feel afraid of stepping into the unknown?

A lot of it has to do with the way our ego works. Our ego likes to be in control and unless it feels safe and secure, it will partner up with our imagination and start playing the “what if” game.

“What if I make a mistake?”

“What if it’s worse than what I have now?”

“What if I fail?”

Sound familiar?

The problem is that we can never win this game. Our ego is so sophisticated and sneaky that we actually begin to believe the negative outcomes of our “what ifs”. We become focused on imagining worst case scenarios and worry ourselves into action paralysis.

Ten years ago I was in this exact same place.

After a thriving twenty year career as a designer, I woke up one day to realize that I was done.

And then my ego freaked out.

My design firm was highly profitable, we were working with some of our biggest dream clients and by now I’d built myself a solid name and a trusted brand in the industry. I’d be crazy to give that all up, right?

Yet, underneath all that, deep inside, my soul was feeling crushed.

I couldn’t imagine what my life would look like if I wasn’t designing.

What could I do?

How could I make enough money to sustain my current lifestyle?

What am I even good at besides designing?

My Xenophobia was out of control. In fact, it brought on a depression that became my norm. A state I don’t wish on anyone.

Even though I felt I was done with being a designer, I wasn’t willing to admit it. My ego was gripping on in fear of losing control. For three years I found every excuse to push through my days. I felt stuck, unhappy and unmotivated.

I finally sought help. I hired a coach who masterfully and lovingly woke me up and guided me towards making the decision my soul was waiting for me to make.

After close to a year of deep coaching and spiritual clean up work, I mustered up the courage to take a risk and close my firm even though I had nothing else lined up.

I learned to trust the unknown.

But I also learned to trust something I became disconnected from over the years - my creativity and my power. Through our deep work together I reconnected with that part of myself that was dormant and once that woke up, I was able to drown out the negative “what ifs” soundtrack and begin hearing the positive ones.

“What if everything will actually work out better than now?”

“What if I will make more money than I ever had as a designer?”

“What if I find joy in fulfillment in whatever happens next?”

These were motivating “what ifs,” questions that lifted up my spirit and brought hope and curiosity. Once I was able to ask these questions and believe in my power and creativity to make anything I want happen, making the decision to close my firm and moving on wasn’t so much of a challenge anymore.

My coach helped me raise my belief in myself. He helped me raise my self-esteem and learn to identify and stop listening to the negative voices of my fears.

Once I took action on my decision, it was amazing to see how things unfolded so quickly from that point on. It was as if the universe was waiting for me to make a move so it could begin to shower me with opportunities.

In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t waited three years before making a big change in my life. Only because of the depression I experienced along the way. But on the other hand, my own transformational process has given me incredible tools and insights into helping the people I coach change their lives in unbelievable ways.

Nowadays, when I’m faced with wanting to change something big in my life, it doesn’t take me three years to do something about it. That’s because I learned to trust. The faith I have in my creativity and my in power is strong enough to move me forward towards making a change.

And so can you. Things will always work out for you if you let go of your fear and listen to what your soul wants. Be soul driven in your decisions and everything will always work out. That’s a promise.

the truth about mistakes

Tue, 13 Jun 2017 00:00:00 MDT

The truth about mistakes.

I used to fear making mistakes. So much, that it turned me into a perfectionist.

This fear of making a mistake held me back from taking risks. Because mistakes meant failure and failing was not acceptable. Not in my book.

What a silly belief.

Making mistakes gives us a chance to learn something about ourselves. A chance to improve and to grow.

It’s been said that the most successful people are the ones with the most failures. Successful people don’t stop at their mistakes. It’s not a matter of number of failures, it’s where you stop that makes the difference.

Mistakes give us insights and direction. They can also offer deep insight and wisdom as well.

We don’t make mistakes, we make choices. Sometimes these choices work, sometimes they don’t. When they do, we call them luck. When they don’t, we call them a mistake.

Nobody is afraid of making mistakes per se. We are afraid of the consequences of making the mistakes and that is what actually holds most people back.

We don’t make mistakes. Mistakes make us. They make us stronger, more resilient and wiser.

When we make a mistake, we get a chance to learn something about ourselves. We get an opportunity to improve and to grow.

I believe the fear of making mistakes is rooted in the school system we grew up in. The school system (and society) condition us to believe that mistakes are bad things and should be avoided at any cost. Our school system instills a fear within us by punishing us for our mistakes instead of praising us for our accomplishments. We develop a belief that making mistakes means that we have done something wrong.

When we learn to walk, we make mistakes. If we fall nobody punishes us, we simply get back up and keep trying. Same thing happens when we learn to talk. We pronounce most of our words wrong, but we were corrected with love and support. With this positive reinforcement we learned to talk better.

Having some fear of mistakes can be a good thing, it can help to improve performance. However, excessive fear causes problems; It keeps us stuck and feeling small.

When we begin to embrace our so called “mistakes” and view them instead as wrong choices. This can then start leading us to begin embracing in learning new ways to make better choices. We can begin to give ourselves permission to take bigger risks in our life.

You can only go forward by making mistakes. So why would you want to avoid them?

People pleasing

Tue, 30 May 2017 15:41:00 MDT

Are you a leader or a people pleaser?

Becoming a leader has its price. There are those who will love and support what you do and then there are those who will not be so kind. The haters.

A couple weeks ago I was put to the test as a leader when a hateful, angry email landed in my inbox from one of the subscribers to my mailing list.

This email was so verbally violent that it caught me off guard. The person who sent it was angry with me. She called me names, she made fun of me and belittled my writing. It was one of the most hateful emails I've ever received.

I’ll be honest with you, this was not pretty. I was surprised to see how much this email disturbed me and threw me off my game.

Even though I constantly receive tons of positive comments and feedback from people who read my writing, this one negative response suddenly took center stage. It was so violent and ugly that it triggered me in a way that I didn’t realize was still possible.

Does this happen to you sometime? Do you find yourself focusing on the negative and missing out on all the good things that are actually happening?

In a way, this email was a gift. After the initial shock and disbelief that someone would take the time to craft such a hateful message and send it, I remembered what I’ve learned about people who judge and bully. The negative comments someone makes is all about them, and not about me.

It would have been easy for me to enter a hateful space with this reader and reply in my own violent, ugly way (which is what I initially wanted to do…) but as a leader myself, I didn’t want fear and anger to lead the way. After taking a moment to breathe and think about the situation, I realized that this person was in deep pain. The way I show up in her world clearly triggered something that caused her to lash out. All I could really be is compassionate to her suffering, wish her love and move on.

If I had made this incident all about me, if I had believed everything she said, what kind of a leader would I be?

To be a powerful leader you can not come from a place of people pleasing. You can’t care so much about what others think. The minute you do that, you are giving your power away.

Sure, there will be people who disagree, who see things differently, and maybe even say hateful things about you. However, if you are truly committed to who you want to be in the world, and believe that what you have to give is valuable; you can ignore the haters, stay focused on your own path, and lead from a place of love and power.

Being a committed leader requires you to be strong. It may not always be easy, but your strength and resilience is what will inspire others to be leaders in their own lives.

This incident only showed me that there is still some work I have to do around cleaning up some of my own people pleasing tendencies. It reminded me how much people pleasing can be a default way of being. This tendency shows up with almost every client I coach. The need to please everyone and look good can be a self-created prison that holds us back from becoming true leaders.

Does pleasing people get in the way of you becoming a powerful leader?

It takes time for success

Tue, 16 May 2017 09:12:00 MDT

It takes time for success.

I have one major pet peeve in life - people who waste my time.

You see, time is the most valuable thing I have. More valuable than money. I will never get back lost or wasted time, but I can always make more money. Every minute of my life is a precious one and I am the kind of person who likes to make the most out of life, so I treat my time with honor and respect.

Arriving late is a way of saying that your own time is more valuable than the time of the person who is waiting for you.

Time is a valuable gift, and if someone throws your gift away, why would you want to keep giving them more gifts?

I used to have friends who would joke about the way I manage my time. They would call me "anal retentive" or “rigid”. Those people aren't my friends anymore. That's because the way they treat time in their life is in a loose, unconscious way. They would constantly be late for our dates with lame excuses and often forget we made plans, resulting in needing to reschedule at the last minute. After a while, that type of behavior became exhausting and eventually those friendships faded away into obscurity.

Integrity and respect are the two most important values I look for in my relationships, both personal and professional. The way a person treats time will be a direct reflection of the level of integrity they live in, as well as a way to recognize how present, conscious, and dependable they are.

When you study the common traits of successful people, you’ll discover one thing in common - they have all mastered managing how they treat time. They manage themselves and their relationship with time in a way that’s respectful.

Successful people make conscious choices every day as to how and with whom they want to spend their time. They actually take the time to think about time. They know when to say no, they keep their word, and when life happens (and it always will) and they aren’t able to, they will still honor their word in a way that respects the relationship.

Mutual respect must exist in any healthy relationship. Time is a way to measure the level of respect that exists between people. Respect is like air. When it’s gone, it’s the first thing you will notice.

My most successful, long term and healthy relationships all have deep mutual respect as well as a mutual understanding that the way we treat the time inside of the relationship is a reflection of the respect we have for each other.

I know that I am part of a small group of people who think and live this way. I know this because people are often surprised when I show up on time or when I meet a deadline. We’ve become a culture that lives in such a fast paced way that being late has become the norm.

Being on time goes beyond my relationship with others. It also is a big part of maintaining a healthy and fulfilled lifestyle. The way I manage time with myself is key to my happiness and well being. I create time that is dedicated to the basic things I value (and need) in life, like exercise, meditation, meals, and sleep. This forces me to be diligent with what I say yes and no to. I make choices of how I spend my time according to what I value.

“I don’t have the time for…” is a poor excuse for not taking ownership of your life. It is victim thinking. It may feel like you don’t have the time to devote to things you want and yet I bet you find yourself wasting precious time watching mind numbing TV or scrolling the Facebook feed.

We all have the same twenty four hours in a day. How you choose to spend them will determine the quality of your life.

Over the years of coaching creative people, I learned that they have a different relationship with time according to their personality type. They have their own time consciousness because they perceive reality differently. They are, after all, artists.

Creative people tend to treat time like a huge pie that can be sliced into an infinite number of pieces. To them, time is always expendable. As long as they are having fun, there is always enough time. They keep adding one thing after another and pretty soon, they have trouble being on time or meeting deadlines. And then they procrastinate because getting down to details is not fun. It’s not surprising that so many creative people feel stuck.

The good news is that just because someone treats time in this way doesn’t mean they are unable to change. I’ve seen people turn around and completely shift how they organize their time when they realized that the key to their success was in their hands.

What it takes is a commitment to want to change and the work that is required to make it happen.

Managing time may feel like hard work. And sometimes it is. It can feel unnatural, restrictive and limiting. But the outcome is worth it. I promise you more powerful results, better relationships and deeper fulfillment from every day of your life.

Your mentoring challenge: For the next thirty days, become one with your calendar. Be on time to everything and keep your commitments to yourself and others for thirty days. If you are unable to keep a time commitment, honor it. Do whatever it takes to make it right.

Choose clients

Mon, 08 May 2017 22:15:00 MDT

How to choose the right clients.

Your business is no business if it has no clients who pay you for your work. And the kind of business you have – how enjoyable and profitable it is – depends more on who your clients are, and less on how good you are at what you do.

Your clients shape your business.

A client is a person or a group that uses your professional advice or services and is willing to pay for them. The kind of client that you take on will determine the real success of your business.

Most people say “yes” to any client with a checkbook. That’s because most people operate from a place of fear of going out of business. They put very little time or energy in assessing if the client is a good client for them. Often times they discover that the client with that huge budget turned out to be a nightmare to work with.

That’s not healthy. Not for you and not for your business.

Unless you take time to identify which client is calling you to serve them, you are bound to take on the wrong client and get yourself in trouble, yet again. It’s easy to be seduced by big name clients with big budgets and fame-promising projects.

Nevertheless, beware.

You owe it to your business to choose the right clients. When you do, and I’m sure you’ve experienced this at some point, there is a healthy flow to the work, the client does not question your fees and the whole experience of working together is joyful throughout. Plus, you will always do your best work for the right clients.

When you work with the right client, you are free to truly be the creator that you are. Your work, your choices, your ideas aren’t questioned or challenged. Your client trusts you and, they will most likely be back for more work and happily refer you to their friends and colleagues.

I’ve served clients for over 25 years and one thing I found in common, in both my career as a designer and in my current work as a coach, is that there are only two types of clients out there.

There is the “save me” client and there is the “lead me” client.

The “save me” client is operating from fear. They like to be in control, they want to call the shots and they want to hire you to be an order taker. They want deliverables. They want to hit certain goals. And they want you to help them look good.

The “save me” client has very little integrity. Often times, they don’t stick to agreed deadlines, they change the scope of the project mid way, and they expect you to be at their beck and call. Their world is usually a mess. They are unorganized, unprepared and are more concerned with looking out for themselves.

They will be late for meetings, not pay you on time (or sometimes not at all), they will abuse and disrespect you and will quickly drain your time and profits.

The “save me” client is bad news. They aren’t willing to take responsibility for the mess they created in their business and look for someone (you) to fix things for them.

I can’t tell you how many businesses I’ve coached that are used to having this type of client as the norm.

Then there’s the “lead me” client.

This is the client who is smart enough to know where their limitations are and when to hire a professional to help solve their problem and lead them towards a solution.

They are opened to be lead because they trust you. They see the value you provide and are willing to let you do your magic. They believe in your vision. They respect your opinion. They allow you to do your job.

A “lead me” client has high integrity. They operate from a place of commitment, good communication and trust. They will allow space for questions, they pay well because they know you are a valuable asset to their success and they allow reasonable time for the work.

They are more concerned about finding an expert they can trust than getting the lowest bid. They are willing to listen and take advice and have a single point of contact that actually has the power to make decisions. They participate in your process, but not too much. They allow you to lead the way.

Imagine if every one of your clients was a “lead me” client. What would your business look like? Where would your stress level be?

Knowing how to identify if the prospect whom you are talking to is a “lead me” or “save me” client is crucial. You need to learn to identify the red flags early on. You need to know which questions to ask and listen not only to what the answers are but also to how they are being delivered.

This is a skill that takes time to develop.

But that’s not enough.

Attracting a “lead me” client also requires smart positioning and authentic marketing. Without those, you will spend more time saying “yes” to the wrong clients more often. If your business is attracting more “save me” type clients, your current positioning and marketing is failing as well as the language you use and the way you show up.

You are the creator of your clients.

To attract more “lead me” clients you must lead first.

You must put your best self out there and value your work in a way that projects confidence and trust. If you are operating from a place of fear and low self worth, you will attract the kind of clients that respond to that.

Being a leader in your business means that you are willing to say “no” when you identify the wrong client for you. It means that you don’t compromise yourself. That you respect your work enough to walk away from what may seem to be a good opportunity if it comes from the wrong source.

Say yes to the mess

Tue, 02 May 2017 08:50:00 MDT

Say yes to the mess.

We all go through periods in life when things are a bit of a mess.

When I say “mess”, I don’t mean the mess you’d see on a typical reality show where people’s lives are totally out of control.

The mess I refer to is the time when we go through significant changes. When we lose what appears to be our “everything” and we don’t know what to do next.

For some it could be a loss of a job or a major client. For some it could be a loss of a relationship. Whatever the mess is, it is generally filled with fear of the unknown, self doubt and worry.

How you manage yourself inside this mess depends a lot on your inner strength and your ability to cope with the unknown. If you are not trained in how to handle anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, and welcome patience — you won’t be able to flee from this terrible “cloud of unknowing.”

This space is often referred to as a “liminal space”. The in-between space. Where you’ve left the tried and true and haven’t yet been able to replace it with anything else. When you are between your old comfort zone and the newness of what’s to come.

The liminal space is where transformation takes place.

When we learn to allow this space to exist, we can experience tremendous self growth.

But most of us are afraid of this space. We avoid it.

We compromise our lives, our relationships, and the things that really matter to us just so we don’t have to go through the pain of living in the unknown.

The liminal space is a waiting space. It can actually be the most important time in your life if you allow it to be. This space has power and gifts.

Our life can seem like a mess during this time, but if we simply say yes to this mess, if we allow ourselves to be just a bit out of control of needing to know how things will resolve, we can tap into deeper inner wisdom.

I suspect I’ve become an expert at living in this liminal space.

I’ve experienced it twice in my life. First, when I decided to sell my design firm ten years ago, not having any idea what I wanted to do next. And then more recently, a divorce that prompted a two year journey around the world where I went soul searching for who I wanted to become.

As romantic as traveling the world may sound to you, this space was not an easy place for me to live in. It was hard, dark, and often times, a lonely space. I had to allow myself to be drawn out of "business as usual" and remain patiently on the "threshold”.

I’m the kind of guy that is used to being in control of his life. The master of his own destiny. And here I was traveling from country to country, having to give up control of knowing what’s going to happen next. There were days where I had no idea where I would be sleeping next or how I would be getting to my next destination.

But as hard as some of those days and nights were, I had faith. I knew that being inside this space, allowing the mystery to unfold, would only lead me to where I am supposed to be.

I knew this because I know the value of deep inner work.

That’s why I kept saying yes to the mess.

I said yes to healing my grief, yes to facing my fixations, and yes to knowing my shadows, all of which I avoided for so many years.

And the results?

Miracles. My life is in the best place it has ever been and my work is feeling more powerful than ever.

A liminal space is unavoidable. And often times, we aren’t aware that we are in it. However, if you are willing to wait and not run away from facing your mess, I can promise you that the inner work you will do during this time will transform your life and lead you to a bigger, better place.

Mentoring Notes with Peleg Top

on LOVE

On LOVE:

Just like you.

Just like you.

Taking a personal retreat

Coaching advice: Taking a personal retreat

Is happiness a myth?

Why trying leads nowhere

Why trying leads nowhere.

Eternal creative struggle

Can you relate to this?...

The power of silence

Everything happens for you

The Cycle of Love

The cycle of love.

Happy Solstice

The right path

letting go of the shoulds

Living a should-less life.

Who do you want to become?

Who do you want to become?

living a soul-driven life

Living a soul-driven life.

what if?

What stands in the way of change.

the truth about mistakes

The truth about mistakes.

People pleasing

Are you a leader or a people pleaser?

It takes time for success

It takes time for success.

Your mentoring challenge: For the next thirty days, become one with your calendar. Be on time to everything and keep your commitments to yourself and others for thirty days. If you are unable to keep a time commitment, honor it. Do whatever it takes to make it right.

Choose clients

How to choose the right clients.

Say yes to the mess

Coaching advice:
Taking a personal retreat