Just like you. 

When I began my journey as a business coach ten years ago, I was excited about the idea of giving advice and direction to fellow creatives who were seeking success and prosperity. Being that I’ve had a gift for marketing and communication, it was a natural next step for me to take after selling my design firm. 

What I quickly discovered was that most of the business challenges that people were having were personal problems in disguise. It wasn’t that people didn’t know what to do. There was plenty of information out there on how to grow a business and how to market. What was present with everyone I was coaching was fear. The voice of fear was leading their lives and the choices they were making were not aligned with their authentic selves. People pleasing was rampant and there was very little self-love present. 

Self-love? What does that have to do with running a business, you may ask?

Well, everything. 

Everything stems and gets created from the way we love ourselves. 

When we love ourselves, we make choices that are healthy for our growth. We don’t compromise our talent, we aren’t afraid to ask for what we want and we experience a level of self-confidence that allows us to be truly creative. That also influences the people we attract. The clients that hire us. The employees that want to support us. 

 Teaching people how to better love themselves has become a core theme in my coaching work. This is the hardest work for people to do. Doing self-love work means that we are required to face our dragons and heal our wounds. That’s a scary space for most people. But it’s work that changes everything. Everything. 

Last weekend, for three days at Joshua Tree I became a student again. I attended the Human Awareness Institute’s workshop on self-love and learned from highly skilled masters about how to bring more love and intimacy into my life. Leading edge work, unconventional exercises and powerful insights helped me get healthier and more aligned with my higher self.  This was hard work at times. Scary. Surprising. Challenging. But so worth it. Here I was with forty fellow men and women, naked the entire time, facing our inner dragons and liberating from old ways of judging and seeing ourselves. 

One evening, while soaking in the outdoor hot tub of the retreat centre,  I looked up at a Joshua Tree nearby, as he stood tall against the landscape of electric wires, these words came forward:

I asked the tree
“who are you?”
and the tree said
“I am one of
God’s creations.
Just like you.”

I asked the tree
“What are you?”
and the tree said
“I am what I am. 
Just like you.”

I asked the tree
“what do you do?”
and the tree said
“I exist, I love,
and that is enough.
Just like you”.

Why trying leads nowhere.  

Last week I met with a new prospect who was interested in hiring me as his coach.

“I’m trying to grow my business,” he said, “and I’m not having any success. After fifteen years I’m feeling trapped, frustrated, and depressed”.

When I asked him to describe how he markets his business or how much time he invests in business development activities, he couldn’t give me a specific answer. His marketing activities were random, reactive and unfocused.

I wasn’t surprised to hear about his lack of success because he told me, in one word, where his mindset is about his business.

He told me he was “trying”.

Whenever I hear someone tell me that they are trying to do something, what they are actually telling me is that they are simply interested in the idea of success but they have yet to commit to doing what it really takes to get there.

If this person was truly committed to growing his business he would have shown up differently to it.

I asked him to open up his calendar and count the number of hours he allocates in the last month to marketing and business development activities.

You can guess what his count was.

Zero.

I’ve come to believe that there are two types of people in the world. People who try and people who commit.

People who try often complain, cling to excuses and give up on their dreams too quickly. They put off doing the things they know they need to do and allow distractions to pull them away from their goals.

People who commit bring a different mindset to their lives. Their commitment shows up as activities on their calendar.

If this prospect was really committed to growing his business, he would actively schedule marketing and business development activities on a weekly basis. He would stop trying and start doing.

When we get comfortable with trying, even for a bit, we open the possibility of failure and give ourselves an out.

“Try” is a worthless word that accomplishes nothing. It might make us feel better when we fail, but it actually encourages behavior that leads to failure.

I told this prospect that in order for me to coach him, he would have to stop trying to grow his business and commit to doing the work it takes to achieve his goals. When I spelled out to him exactly what that would need to look like, I could tell that he felt a bit intimidated hearing what a commitment to growing his business means and that he wasn’t really interested in doing the work.

The reality is, when we really want something, we simply do what it takes to make it happen. And if we hire a coach to support us, the coaching process serves us inside of our creative process. If you don’t want to do something, fine. Don’t do it. But don’t pretend that trying is the same as doing. They are two completely different mindsets.

This person reached out to me thinking that coaching is the answer to his business problems. But from my experience, coaching only works when a person is excited about what they want to create. When you bring a commitment to creating yourself, having a coach by your side will expedite the creation process and move you forward towards your goals because they show you where your blind spots are and help you see the path more clearly.

The more we talked the more it became clear that this person felt stuck in his business and was not feeling fulfilled by the work anymore. What motivated him to stay in business was the responsibility he felt towards his employees and not the joy of the work. His lack of success wasn’t because of his lack of trying but because his heart wasn’t in it anymore. He was just too afraid to admit it to himself. He was denying his heart’s desire hoping that hiring a coach would magically transform his business. In reality, no coaching can motivate anyone to do something their heart isn’t devoted to.

When our heart isn’t leading the way in anything we do, the challenges we encounter along the way can easily bring us down and make us feel defeated. We can feel unmotivated and lost. But when we’re heart-driven, when we do something because we want to (not because we feel like we have to), challenges become a source of strength. We embrace them and welcome the opportunity for growth.

This person realized that he was using “trying” as an excuse to not look at the real reason his business is suffering. For the first time, he was willing to embrace the fact that it may be time for him to exit and begin a new chapter in his life.

He began to get excited about what’s possible for him. He began to see how his commitment to exiting his business could open up new opportunities for him. He didn’t let his fears lead the way but gave himself permission to dream.

I assured him that coaching him from this space would be more valuable and effective and, as his coach, I would guide him through that process. From that place, real creation can happen. There will be no trying involved, only doing to move his life forward in the direction his heart desires.

A trying mindset leads nowhere. It is doubt-filled, skeptical and low commitment. Saying “I’ll try” is like admitting upfront that you quite likely will not be doing that thing.

If there’s an area in your life that you feel like you are trying and not succeeding, take a closer look at the real reason why this may be occurring. It could be that whatever it is you are trying to do, isn’t what your heart really wants you to.

The truth about mistakes.

I used to fear making mistakes. So much, that it turned me into a perfectionist.

This fear of making a mistake held me back from taking risks. Because mistakes meant failure and failing was not acceptable. Not in my book.

What a silly belief.

Making mistakes gives us a chance to learn something about ourselves. A chance to improve and to grow.

It’s been said that the most successful people are the ones with the most failures. Successful people don’t stop at their mistakes. It’s not a matter of number of failures, it’s where you stop that makes the difference.

Mistakes give us insights and direction. They can also offer deep insight and wisdom as well.

We don’t make mistakes, we make choices. Sometimes these choices work, sometimes they don’t. When they do, we call them luck. When they don’t, we call them a mistake.

Nobody is afraid of making mistakes per se. We are afraid of the consequences of making the mistakes and that is what actually holds most people back.

We don’t make mistakes. Mistakes make us. They make us stronger, more resilient and wiser.

When we make a mistake, we get a chance to learn something about ourselves. We get an opportunity to improve and to grow.

I believe the fear of making mistakes is rooted in the school system we grew up in. The school system (and society) condition us to believe that mistakes are bad things and should be avoided at any cost. Our school system instills a fear within us by punishing us for our mistakes instead of praising us for our accomplishments. We develop a belief that making mistakes means that we have done something wrong.

When we learn to walk, we make mistakes. If we fall nobody punishes us, we simply get back up and keep trying. Same thing happens when we learn to talk. We pronounce most of our words wrong, but we were corrected with love and support.  With this positive reinforcement we learned to talk better.

Having some fear of mistakes can be a good thing, it can help to improve performance. However, excessive fear causes problems; It keeps us stuck and feeling small.

When we begin to embrace our so called “mistakes” and view them instead as wrong choices.  This can then start leading us to begin embracing in learning new ways to make better choices.  We can begin to give ourselves permission to take bigger risks in our life.

You can only go forward by making mistakes. So why would you want to avoid them?

Are you a leader or a people pleaser?

Becoming a leader has its price. There are those who will love and support what you do and then there are those who will not be so kind. The haters. 

A couple weeks ago I was put to the test as a leader when a hateful, angry email landed in my inbox from one of the subscribers to my mailing list.

This email was so verbally violent that it caught me off guard. The person who sent it was angry with me. She called me names, she made fun of me and belittled my writing. It was one of the most hateful emails I've ever received. 

I’ll be honest with you, this was not pretty. I was surprised to see how much this email disturbed me and threw me off my game. 

Even though I constantly receive tons of positive comments and feedback from people who read my writing, this one negative response suddenly took center stage. It was so violent and ugly that it triggered me in a way that I didn’t realize was still possible. 

Does this happen to you sometime? Do you find yourself focusing on the negative and missing out on all the good things that are actually happening? 

In a way, this email was a gift. After the initial shock and disbelief that someone would take the time to craft such a hateful message and send it, I remembered what I’ve learned about people who judge and bully. The negative comments someone makes is all about them, and not about me. 

It would have been easy for me to enter a hateful space with this reader and reply in my own violent, ugly way (which is what I initially wanted to do…) but as a leader myself, I didn’t want fear and anger to lead the way. After taking a moment to breathe and think about the situation, I realized that this person was in deep pain. The way I show up in her world clearly triggered something that caused her to lash out. All I could really be is compassionate to her suffering, wish her love and move on. 

If I had made this incident all about me, if I had believed everything she said, what kind of a leader would I be? 

To be a powerful leader you can not come from a place of people pleasing. You can’t care so much about what others think. The minute you do that, you are giving your power away. 

Sure, there will be people who disagree, who see things differently, and maybe even say hateful things about you. However, if you are truly committed to who you want to be in the world, and believe that what you have to give is valuable; you can ignore the haters, stay focused on your own path, and lead from a place of love and power.

Being a committed leader requires you to be strong. It may not always be easy, but your strength and resilience is what will inspire others to be leaders in their own lives. 

This incident only showed me that there is still some work I have to do around cleaning up some of my own people pleasing tendencies. It reminded me how much people pleasing can be a default way of being. This tendency shows up with almost every client I coach. The need to please everyone and look good can be a self-created prison that holds us back from becoming true leaders.  

Does pleasing people get in the way of you becoming a powerful leader?

It takes time for success.

I have one major pet peeve in life - people who waste my time.

You see, time is the most valuable thing I have. More valuable than money. I will never get back lost or wasted time, but I can always make more money. Every minute of my life is a precious one and I am the kind of person who likes to make the most out of life, so I treat my time with honor and respect.

Arriving late is a way of saying that your own time is more valuable than the time of the person who is waiting for you.

Time is a valuable gift, and if someone throws your gift away, why would you want to keep giving them more gifts?

I used to have friends who would joke about the way I manage my time. They would call me "anal retentive" or “rigid”. Those people aren't my friends anymore. That's because the way they treat time in their life is in a loose, unconscious way. They would constantly be late for our dates with lame excuses and often forget we made plans, resulting in needing to reschedule at the last minute. After a while, that type of behavior became exhausting and eventually those friendships faded away into obscurity.

Integrity and respect are the two most important values I look for in my relationships, both personal and professional. The way a person treats time will be a direct reflection of the level of integrity they live in, as well as a way to recognize how present, conscious, and dependable they are.

When you study the common traits of successful people, you’ll discover one thing in common - they have all mastered managing how they treat time. They manage themselves and their relationship with time in a way that’s respectful.

Successful people make conscious choices every day as to how and with whom they want to spend their time. They actually take the time to think about time. They know when to say no, they keep their word, and when life happens (and it always will) and they aren’t able to, they will still honor their word in a way that respects the relationship.

Mutual respect must exist in any healthy relationship. Time is a way to measure the level of respect that exists between people. Respect is like air. When it’s gone, it’s the first thing you will notice.

My most successful, long term and healthy relationships all have deep mutual respect as well as a mutual understanding that the way we treat the time inside of the relationship is a reflection of the respect we have for each other.

I know that I am part of a small group of people who think and live this way. I know this because people are often surprised when I show up on time or when I meet a deadline. We’ve become a culture that lives in such a fast paced way that being late has become the norm.

Being on time goes beyond my relationship with others. It also is a big part of maintaining a healthy and fulfilled lifestyle. The way I manage time with myself is key to my happiness and well being. I create time that is dedicated to the basic things I value (and need) in life, like exercise, meditation, meals, and sleep. This forces me to be diligent with what I say yes and no to. I make choices of how I spend my time according to what I value.   

“I don’t have the time for…” is a poor excuse for not taking ownership of your life. It is victim thinking. It may feel like you don’t have the time to devote to things you want and yet I bet you find yourself wasting precious time watching mind numbing TV or scrolling the Facebook feed.

We all have the same twenty four hours in a day. How you choose to spend them will determine the quality of your life.  

Over the years of coaching creative people, I learned that they have a different relationship with time according to their personality type. They have their own time consciousness because they perceive reality differently. They are, after all, artists.

Creative people tend to treat time like a huge pie that can be sliced into an infinite number of pieces. To them, time is always expendable. As long as they are having fun, there is always enough time. They keep adding one thing after another and  pretty soon, they have trouble being on time or meeting deadlines. And then they procrastinate because getting down to details is not fun. It’s not surprising that so many creative people feel stuck.

The good news is that just because someone treats time in this way doesn’t mean they are unable to change. I’ve seen people turn around and completely shift how they organize their time when they realized that the key to their success was in their hands.

What it takes is a commitment to want to change and the work that is required to make it happen.

Managing time may feel like hard work. And sometimes it is. It can feel unnatural, restrictive and limiting. But the outcome is worth it. I promise you more powerful results, better relationships and deeper fulfillment from every day of your life.

Your mentoring challenge: For the next thirty days, become one with your calendar. Be on time to everything and keep your commitments to yourself and others for thirty days. If you are unable to keep a time commitment, honor it. Do whatever it takes to make it right.